The Ten Suggestions

by David Bader
from How to Be an Extremely Reform Jew

. . .It was Moses who led the Jews out of slavery in Egypt and into the desert where he gave them the Ten Commandments. (The Eleventh Commandment -- "Find water!" -- is no longer in effect.) Extremely Reform Jews maintain that they were not really "Commandments" at all but just "Suggestions," and that Moses looked very dehydrated when he delivered them. The Ten Suggestions 1. I am the L-rd thy G-d and thou shalt have not too many other gods besides me. 2. Thou shalt make no graven images. This is a major religion, not a shop class. 3. Thou shalt not take the name of Ad-nai thy G-d in vain without the express written consent of Ad-nai thy G-d. The name "Ad-nai thy G-d" is the sole property of Ad-nai thy G-d. Any use of the name of Ad-nai thy G-d without the express written consent of Ad-nai thy G-d is unauthorized and illegal and shall be punished by Ad-nai thy G-d. 4. Remember the Sabbath, thy squash game and thy other appointments. 5. Honor thy single parent. 6. Thou shalt not kill a man just to watch him die. 7. Thou shalt not commit adultery and then run for office. 8. Thou shalt not steal. (Note: Not really applicable to car radios.) 9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor when appearing before Judge Wapner. 10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, his servants, his flocks, or his power tools.

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