Noah's Ark - A Modern Tale
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it
rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people
are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind
of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark," said
And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark.
"OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. "Six
months, and it starts to rain" thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark
completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."
And six months passed.
The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah
was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark.
"Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into
the ground next to Noah, for emphasis.
"Lord, please forgive me," begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big
problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction
project, and your plans didn't meet Code. So I had to hire an engineer to
redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark
needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected claiming I was
violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a
variance from the city planning commission.
"Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was
a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl.
Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to
negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before
anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we got 16 carpenters going on
the boat, and still no owls.
"Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by an animal rights
group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got
the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without
filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed Flood.
Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood
plain. I sent them a globe.
And the IRS (The tax authorities) has seized all my assets claiming I'm
trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice
from the state about owing some kind of use tax.
"I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five
years," Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the
sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the
earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.
"Wrong!" thundered the Lord. "But being Lord of the Universe has its
advantages. I fully intend to smite the Earth, but with something far worse
than a Flood. Something Man invented himself."
"What's that?" asked Noah.
There was a long pause, and then the Lord spoke: