Exodus: On the Light Side


(from Lights in Action)



The following is meant to amuse. For those of you who will dive into this with reckless abandon, please be aware: THIS IS NOT THE REAL STORY. Rather, it is, to those of us with a satirical bent, how the story could have read. For those of you whose sensibilities maintain that any parody of the Bible, no matter how careful, constitutes sacrilege, we apologize...




Previously on
"The Pentateuch (say what?)":

...And Jacob was buried in the Cave of Machpelah like unto his fathers, and Joseph too grew so long of years as to be near death, and did die, and furthermore did not live any longer...
...And so ended the Beginning.

And now begins part two of the five-part miniseries, "The Pentateuch (say what?)":

...Now these are the names of the children of Israel who came into Egypt: Who, What, I Don't Know Who, Tomorrow, Today, Why, Because, and I Don't Give a Darn. And the Lord noticed that this was the Bible and not an Abbot and Costello routine and changed them to Reuben, Simon, Levi, Judah, Issachar, Zebulun, Benjamin, Dan, Naphtali, Gad, and Asher. And this was fine for the Lord, though "Issachar's on first?"-"No, Naphtali's on first; Issachar's on second."-"Zebulun."-"Third base." did not make any sense unto Abbot and Costello. But then that was their problem...

...And lo, the Israelites did multiply exponentially (which was amazing, considering that all they had was the abacus). And behold, did they become ever mighty and numerous and filled the land and the land was teeming with them and in fact double-teeming, and well, there were really a whole lot of them is the concept we're trying to get across here...

...And a new king arose upon Egypt who knew not of the noble acts of Joseph for he had read not the history books nor the Bible and did believe that it was all just so much revisionist camel dung. And the Pharaoh did see that the Jews were waxing ridiculously large of number and did say to his cabinet, "Forsooth, they shall become mightier than we and ally with our enemies and give us the proverbial heave-ho from out our land." And his ministers did look favorably upon his knowledge of Proverbs and did agree with him. And did one of Pharaoh's lackeys further say, "Let us deal craftily with them and enslave them under the pretext of an economic stimulus plan," and Pharaoh quoth "Make it so," and did further quoth, "Wonderful idea. Glad I thought of it"...

...And the Israelites were forced to build the Pyramids and then to move them around until they were in the right places and then to construct and solve a giant Rubik's Triangle. And did they wail one unto the other, "Oy!" But did the Children of Israel continue to multiply and did Pharaoh become alarmed and fear that when they had ceased to multiply they would also divide - and conquer. And so did Pharaoh add to their troubles and did issue a royal decree that all male babies be thrown into the Nile River. And did the tabloids declare that this was because Pharaoh's horoscope had told him that the savior of the People of Israel would be a boy baby born at a certain time...



...But there was a woman among the Israelites who did discover a loophole in Pharaoh's decree, for verily it did not forbid the use of any flotation device. And forsooth, she did place her son in a basket of reeds and did place it upon the Nile. And the baby's sister did look upon him from afar. And did the baby muse to himself as he floated: "Lo, lo, lo, my boat gently down the stream. Verily, verily, verily, verily..." And did the daughter of Pharaoh, who was bathing in the river, overhear the infant and know that it was a Hebrew child, for no Egyptian would ever come up with such an atrocious pun. And she did draw the basket out of the water and did adopt the baby as her own and she did call his name Moses, saying, "For I drew him out of the water and, er, well, it's a better name than basket"...

...And when Moses was grown he did go out among the other Israelites and did see their troubles. And he did notice an Egyptian beating an Isralite and was mightily ticked off. And after looking to make sure that there was no overhead camera, he did slay the Egyptian and hide him in the sand. And lo, when he went out the next day, two Isrealites strove together like unto Holyfield and Bowe, and Moses did rebuke the one who was smiting his fellow, saying, "Why dost thou smite thy fellow?" And the Israelite did reply, "My, my, aren't we feeling superior today, Mr. let-me-just-go-over-and-knock-off-that-Egyptian?" And did Moses quoth, "Uh oh," for lo, his deed was known and was furthermore to appear on Hard Copy that evening. And Moses did fear for his hide and did flee Egypt for the neighboring country, Midian, and did end up married with two kids, tending the flock of his father-in-law, Jethro...

...And it came to pass that the L-rd heard the cries of the Children of Israel and did remember the covenant made with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob (see Genesis). And the Lord did appear to Moses one day in the desert in a burning bush and did speak from its midst, saying, "I am the L-rd, thy G-d." And Moses spake, saying "What?" And the Lord spake, saying, "No, What's on second. I am the L-rd, thy G-d." And Moses spake saying, "Oh my G-d." And G-d spake, saying, "Thou catchest on fast." And G-d did say further, "I am the G-d of thy father, the G-d of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, and I am come down to deliver the Jews out of the hand of the Egyptians and unto a land flowing with milk and honey." And Moses said, "Gross," for stepping into milk and honey wearing only sandals is not a pleasant feeling unto the feet...



...And did G-d quoth, "I have seen the sufferings of my People in Egypt and lo, it is payback time. Go down, Moses, way down in Egypt land. Tell old Pharaoh to let my People go." And did Moses reply, "Who, me? But I'm, uh, that is, I don't, uh, I'm not really that great at, uh, public speaking, see..." And the Lord said, "Go. Thy brother Aaron (Remeber him?) shall speak in thy stead." And did the Lord give Moses miracles and wonders to show in Egypt, such as how to win at three card monte...

...And Moses did go and did speak unto Pharaoh, saying, "Thus saith the Lord: Let my People go, that they may worship me." And Pharaoh quoth, "Okay, fine, go ahead, take them... NOT!" And Moses did perform there the miracles that G-d had shown him. But lo, Pharaoh was unimpressed, for his own magicians could win at three card monte (though he could not). And did the Pharaoh quoth, "Get this joker out of here," and did order that the Israelites' toil be made harder...

...And the Lord did command Moses to demand once again that Pharaoh free the Israelites to worship their God in the interests of religious tolerance and multiculturalism. And Moses and Aaron did return to the palace and there did again perform a miracle before Pharaoh, throwing down a staff and turning it into a snake. And Pharaoh cammanded his magicians to do the same, whereupon Moses' snake did swallow up all of the other snakes, burp, and turn back into a staff. But the Pharaoh remained unimpressed, and was by now verily irked, for lo, not only had Moses and Aaron proved stronger than his magicians; he would also have to pay for a bunch of new staffs...

...And lo, now did the Lord really get cooking. And it came to pass that the next morning, Pharaoh was walking on the banks of the Nile. And Moses bid Aaron stretch his staff over the water (for lo, he had made him his chief of staff) and behold, the water was turned to blood and all the fish did expire not unlike those of Boston Harbour. And lo, all the water in all the land of Egypt was turned to blood, the water in the streams and in the wells and even in the Evian bottles, save only the water in the places of the Israelites, which remained fresh. And the Egyptians did quoth, "Eeeeeeuwwwww, yuck!"...



...And Pharaoh's heart was hardened for he was a moron, and Moses caused frogs to overrun the land and to get down the shorts of all the land of Egypt and Pharaoh's magicians did in like manner and, with their secret arts did bring up yet more frogs (which proves that being a magician in Pharaoh's court did not require much in the brains department). And Pharaoh did entreat Moses and Aaron to remove the plague of frogs and did promise to let the people go. But when they had removed the frogs - who, in the manner of their kind, did croak - Pharaoh's heart was hardened once again...

...And Moses brought lice upon the land of Egypt and Pharaoh's magicians tried to bring forth lice with their own arts but could not. And the magicians did say unto Pharaoh regarding this plague of lice, "This is the finger of G-d!" And verily was Pharaoh angered, for he did not appreciate being given the finger, and his heart remained hard...

..And this went on for some time. And wild beasts and animal sickness and boils and hail were all harsh unto the Egyptians, and Pharaoh still did not heed as he was a real blockhead. But all these plagues plagued not the Jews for... they were the Jews...

...And Moses brought darkness unto the land, darkness so dark that man could not see his fellow man and there was much bumping into one another until even this was stopped due to it being so dark. And the darkness was black, even blacker than Spinal Tapp's "Smell the Glove" jacket...

...And lo, Pharaoh did blow his top completely after the plague of darkness and did threaten to kill Moses and Aaron if they ever returned to the palace. And the Lord did speak to Moses, saying, "Tell the People to take a lamb, one to each family, on this day, that they shall sacrifice it and eat of the meat and smear the blood on their doors. On this night I shall slay the firstborn of all the Egyptians, but the houses of the Israelites shall I pass over." And did Moses quoth, "Hey, what a great name for a holiday!" And the Lord did sayeth, "What, Passover?" And Moses quoth, "Uh, actually I was thinking of Bloody Door Day, but Passover does have a nice ring to it"...

...And the Israelites did as Moses bid them. And the Lord quoth, "This shall be a holiday for generations: all leavened bread - and all food.



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