Genesis: On the Light Side


from Lights in Action



The following is meant to amuse. For those of you who will dive into this with reckless abandon, please be aware: THIS IS NOT THE REAL STORY. Rather, it is, to those of us with a satirical bent, how the story could have read. For those of you whose sensibilities maintain that any parody of the Bible, no matter how careful, constitutes sacrilege, we apologize...




In the beginning...

Well, let's face it, nobody really knows exactly what happened in the beginning. So to avoid controversy, let's move on...

...and G-d said, "Let us make man in our image and likeness," And feminists everywhere took offense at this, saying, "And what of woman?" at which point G-d responded by creating woman as a "helpmate." And again, the feminists turned their faces upwards toward the heavens and asked, "But what of equality?" and G-d replied, "I understand where you're coming from, but man isn't ready for that yet. Believe Me. I'm half woman."...

...And G-d made man and woman, both male and female made He them for male and female both made did She, G-d, that is, in His making. (Check out the text, Genesis 1:27. It really reads like this!) And G-d placed them in the Garden of Eden. And G-d spake unto them, saying, "All of the bounty of the Garden ye shall surely consume, save the fruit of the tree of knowledge. "From the tree of knowledge ye shall not taste, lest my wrath grow large and, well, it won't be pretty." But Eve did eat from the tree of knowledge and so too did Adam. And it all went pretty much down hill from there as one could expect...

...And the Lord spake unto Man and Woman, saying, "The ire of the Lord hast thine irked." And did the Man and the Woman fall upon their knees and say, "See, we never know when you're kidding." Still the Lord, being omniscient and all, was not impressed and continued, saying, "Ye shall be banished from the Garden of Eden and be forced to work the land in back-breaking labor, or perhaps telemarketing." And they were banished to the land East of Eden (later to be inhabited by their descendent James Dean)...

...and the couple bore two sons, Cain and Abel. And Cain, being of the field, was of the field. Abel tended livestock. And Cain madeth a sacrifice unto the Lord, bringing him produce of the field (and some real mayonnaise). And Abel too madeth a sacrifice unto the Lord. But G-d accepted only Abel's offering. And Cain became enraged and stomped around grumbling, "Good for nothing farshtunkiner Abel," and rose up and hacked his brother to pieces. And G-d's voice shone down from the heavens, saying, "Abel, oh Abel, wherefore art thine Abel?" And Cain responded, "Am I my brother's keeper?" And G-d was irked for this was not Jeopardy and question form was not acceptable. And the Lord lay down some severe punishments for Cain, not the least of which was a career in telemarketing...

...And as the generations begat generations and they begat generations, humankind filled the earth, and many people began to wonder what the word "begat" really meant. And humankind became an abomination in the eyes of G-d, for they respected not their fellows and did murder and did steal and did plunder and did play bad 70's music... But Noah was a man of G-d. And G-d spoke unto Noah, saying, "Build for thee an ark and take of every animal and every fowl and every creepy-crawly two, both male and female, onto the ark, for it will rain for 40 days and 40 nights, and lo, the sewers shall back up." And speaking further G-d spake, "Warn the people of the land and bid that they repent, lest the flood shall surely consume them." And Noah warned and built, built and warned, and lo the rains came, and the earth was submerged and the people drowned, save those that were in the ark. And after 40 days and 40 nights, the rains subsided and Noah sent out a raven to see whence there was land and
the raven went aflying,
spying for the land
thought lost forevermore
But Noah's patience was he trying,
for the earth was still not drying
for drying was not yet in store.
On the raven Noah stopped relying
And started on implying
that the Raven was not trying
- and you won't get this unless you've
covered Edgar Allen Poe in Lit 101 -
just a friendly warning -
not trying to alert him as he'd
bid him to before
so a dove was sent a flying
and some land-info supplying
supplying an olive branch
to prove there was now both sea and shore
and G-d promised..no floods.
Quoth the raven,
"Nevermore."...

...And yet again man rebelled against G-d and rose up as one to build a tower to reach the heavens. And G-d said "Verily shall I bring a flood to destroy the- Wait a minute. I promised not to do that any more, didn't I? Darn!" And G-d smote the tower and dispersed man to the four corners of the earth and unto every land bestowed a different language, saying "I shall create diversity and multiculturalism and it shall be a bane and a plague on their existence - up until the 20th century, when they will finally get some use out of it."...

...Many generations later, there was Abraham. And Abraham saw the stars and the sand and the home-shopping network and said, "Lo forsooth, what for! All this could not have happened by itself. Thusly, all of the world's bounty must come from one single source." (According to the Midrash - a part of the Torah transmitted orally and later written down.) And Abraham rode for many days on his camel, declaring, "Ho there, I have discovered monotheism." And the Middle East Enquirer did pick up the story and quoth, "Man claims: Aliens revealed to me there is but one G-d." And did the stand-up comics of the day mock Abraham in their monologues and the people laugh, saying, "One G-d? That idea will never catch on!"...

...And Abraham did many good deeds for the people, and his house was always open to strangers, and he taught the men of the nature of G-d. And Sarah did teach the women (for lo, co-education had not yet been invented)...

...And G-d spake unto Abraham, saying, "Go forth from the land of thy birthplace, from the land of thy ancestors, from the land of thy home, in which you dwell. Go unto the land which I shall tell you." Quoth Abraham, "What, Uganda?" Quoth the Lord, "Go to Canaan." And speaking further, G-d spake, "Behold, ye shall be the father of a nation more numerous than the stars in the sky and this nation shall enter the land of Canaan and the whole shebang shall be called Israel, save a portion of the south, which shall sometimes be called Egypt." And Abraham and Sarah and Lot, his nephew, packed their bags and moved to the Galilee...

...And Abraham was 99 years old when G-d spoke to him, saying, "I must have a covenant between you and me, the Lord, your G-d. Take unto thee a knife and clip thy foreskin as a covenant unto me." And Abraham did so, and spake unto the Lord saying, "Ouch!" And Abraham wanted to invite men to his house to show them good hospitality (for lo, the day was hot and none had left on the air-conditioning). And Abraham was downcast and in pain. And G-d saw Abraham's downcast visage and sent him three angels to be his guests. And Abraham was no longer downcast, though still in pain. And the angels said unto Abraham, "To yourself and Sarah shall be born a son, who shall be next in the line of the Jewish people." And Sarah overheard this and laughed to herself, saying, "Yeah, right" for yea, verily she was ancient and thought it farcical. And Abraham also laughed and thought to himself, "Lo, methinks childbirth to be more painful than a circumcision at 99 with no anesthetic!"...

...Meanwhile, in other regions of the Middle East, it was, oh, how shall we say it?, the best of times and the worst of times. There were these two cities, Sodom and Gemorah. Whenever there came a visitor to these cities, if they were short, they would be stretched, and if they were tall, they would have their legs chopped off (according to Midrash - oral tradition). And the Lord looked down upon Sodom and Gemorah and was want to smite them. And the Lord spoke unto Abraham, saying, "I shall toast both Sodom and Gemorah until they are little crunchy black ashes in the eyes of the Lord." And Abraham could not bear to see them suffer and pleaded to the lord, "If there be even 50 righteous men among them, may you spare the cities." But there were not 50 righteous men. And Abraham did bargain with the Lord but lo, there were not even 10 righteous men, and the Lord smote Sodom and Gemorah. And the visiting angels said unto Lot, Abraham's nephew, "G-d shall smite the city of Sodom in which you live. Quick, you must flee, and your wife too. But lo, ye are only being saved on the merit of thine uncle, who is in the G-d business, and the Lord hath forbidden you to witness the destruction." But Lot's wife was weak and did turn around. And so, she was turned into a pillar of salt (proving that you didn't want to mess with G-d in those days 'cause if you did, you sure got some weird punishments)...

...And G-d blessed Abraham and Sarah with a son whom they called Isaac. And G-d said to Abraham, "Kill me a son." And Abe said, "No way." And G-d said, "Way." And Abraham's faith in G-d was complete. And he did take his son Isaac, who was to be the continuation of his beliefs, and did bring him up onto Mount Moriah, which G-d did command, and did set about to sacrifice him to the Lord. And Isaac said unto Abraham, his father, "Well dad, you've just spoken to G-d on High. What are we gonna do next?" And Abraham spake unto his son, Isaac, saying, "We're going to Disney Land." And when Abraham had bound his only son Isaac and had made ready the knife, a voice came down from the heavens, saying, "Have you ever had the feeling that your sacrifices weren't turning out quite right? Ever had a bunch of deities over for dinner and had them refuse your offerings? Well, that's probably because you're not using New and Improved Oscar-Meyer Non-Human sacrifices. That's right, sacrifice cows, sheep, goats and fowl instead of your sons and daughters. We've proven through a scientific study that the only G-d that actually exists prefers Oscar-Meyer Non-Human products over the old human variety 100 times out of 100. Here, try it now!" And lo, a ram wandered out of the underbrush, and Abraham did un-bind Isaac his son, and did sacrifice the ram in his stead...

...And when Sarah heard that Isaac her son, was to be sacrificed - for the gossip columnists had swooped down on the story like unto a flock of vultures - she went into shock, and didst die. And Abraham did return with Isaac from Mt. Moriah and was forced to bury Sarah, his wife, and set his eyes upon the cave of Machpelah in Hebron to be the burial site. And did Efron, the Hittite, who owned the cave, quoth unto Abraham, "I shall make unto thee an offer which thou canst not refuse, for lo, we are friends, riiiight?" And he did set the price at 400 clams. Quoth Abraham, "Heck, what's a little extortion between friends?" and he did buy the cave...

...And Isaac had grown long of years yet had not yet found a bride. And he did put an ad in the "personals" section of the Canaan Jewish week, so writing, (Single Jewish Male) "Intelligent, attractive, learned man seeks wife open to new ideas, willing to give up idolatry, mother to be progenitor of an entire nation." And after much time, Abraham decided that lo, he must send someone to find Isaac a bride, and spake unto his manservant, saying, "Matchmaker, Matchmaker, make me a match, find me a find, catch me a catch." And lo, the servant was indeed clueless as to how to undertake such a thing and verily did he journey to a distant watering hole and did speak to the bartender, saying "Rebecca, what fore have I to do? I need to find for Isaac, the son of my master, Abraham, a bride. And how might I do that?" And Rebecca said unto him, "Take thee a double, on the house, and for thy camels too." And with that, he did jump up, saying, "Rebecca, your small act of kindness has shown me it is you who should wed Isaac, son of Abraham, my master," and so she did...

...And Isaac did know Rebecca in the biblical sense (as this was the Bible, after all) and she did bear him twin sons, Jacob and Esau. And Esau was the first born and was a hunter. And Jacob was a man of the book. And one day, Esau did return from hunting and was so tired as to be termed "tired" and did smell Jacob's soup and did say, "Jacob, wouldst thou be so kind as to let me partake of your soup?" And Jacob said, "I'll trade ya my soup for yer birthright as the firstborn." And lo, the deal was consume-ted...

...And Isaac was so long in years as to be, well, old, and lo, his eyes couldst not see too well, and he knew that he would soon pass on. And thinking that Esau would be the physical leader of the Jews, he called him in to bless him. And Rebecca knew that Esau was worthy not of being part of the Jewish people. And she did tell Jacob, "Tricketh thy father and wear animal skin so he will think you are Esau, for Esau is hairy and your father is blind as a bat." (Indeed, it was before the time of political correctness and predated such terms as "visually impaired.") And while Esau was out hunting, Jacob did tricketh Isaac as he did make himself feel hairy unto Isaac, and did receive the blessing of the firstborn. And Esau returned and the hoax was made apparent, and Jacob did flee for his life. And Esau was verily ticked off, and still hairy...

...And Jacob journeyed toward the house of Laban and as the day drew nigh, so did Jacob grow tired and was want to sleep. And Jacob put his head down on a rock and thought, "Ooh, this is not too comfy," and commenced to sleep. And dreaming a dream, Jacob dreamt, and there was a ladder that extended to the heavens and angels ascended and descended. And G-d spake, saying "Jacob, I shall be with you always, and ye shall inherit the land of Israel, just as I have promised your father Isaac and your father's father Abraham." And Jacob awoke, and was afraid and said, "I am afraid." And Jacob placed there stones to mark the holy place, and they stayed for many years and had many hit records, save the 70's which yea verily was their bad decade...

...And Jacob journeyed thither (C'mon, we had to use "thither" at least once.) unto Laban's house. And Jacob met Rachel, who was Laban's youngest daughter. And Jacob said unto Lavan, "Thy daughter Rachel is fine of figure and visage, and I wouldst like to wed her in holy matrimony." And Lavan replied unto Jacob, saying "Ye must work for me seven years, doing many things like chopping down a whole forest with a butter knife in a snowstorm wearing only sandals, darning socks, killing livestock with thy bare hands, knitting, and getting gas at the self-service island." Now Lavan did have an elder daughter, Leah, and being that she was older, Lavan did decide to pull a dirty trick on Jacob and put Leah under the veil in Rachel's stead. And Jacob was mightily pleased, NOT, and did chase after Lavan, wielding a very large and blunt goat, saying, "You dirty schnook!" And Jacob did work for seven more years and did finally marry Rachel...

...And Jacob did love Rachel more than Leah, her sister. And Leah bore Jacob four sons - Reuben, Simeon, Levi, and Judah. And Rachel was barren, and did give Bilha, her maidservant, to Jacob as a concubine. And she did concube with Jacob and did bear two sons, Dan and Naphtali. And so Leah gave her maidservant, Zilpah, unto Jacob as a concubine. (At this point, we suggest that you set up a chart to make sense of all the names.) And Jacob was very happy with all the women. And Zilpah bore two sons, Gad and Asher. And Leah, bearing further bore Issachar and Zebulun. And Rachel prayed mightily unto the Lord that she might be with child, saying, "Wouldst I would be with child, oh Lord!" And the Lord looked favorably upon her use of the word "wouldst" and she became pregnant and did bear a son, Joseph. And Jacob and his family took this time to leave Laban, establishing for posterity the notion that living with one's in-laws, while cheap, is too annoying...

...And Jacob was worried that Esau still wanted to kill him. And Jacob sent Esau many presents and several Hallmark cards bearing poems. And Jacob did pray unto G-d. And an angel did descend from the heavens and did commence to wrestle with Jacob. And Jacob did clobber the angel, though lo, the angel did get in one good jab at his thigh. And the angel did change Jacob's name to Israel for he had striven with both human and divine beings and had prevailed (which is what Israel means). And dawn did come and Israel did meet with Esau in peace. And no one is really clear on who this Dawn character is...

...And Jacob was dwelling in the land of Canaan, in a province whose mayor's name was Hamor (which, as providence would have it, means donkey in Hebrew). Hamor's son, Shechem, did rape Jacob's daughter, Dinah and did ask Hamor to arrange a marriage between himself and Dinah. And so Hamor did approach Jacob, saying, "Have I got the perfect match for your daughter," and, speaking further, "What say all of your progeny wed from the daughters of the land?" And Simeon and Levi agreed, as long as all the men wouldst circumcise themselves. And the men didst circumsize themselves and lo, due to the bad angle, they did horrendous jobs, and from then on it was decided throughout the land that circumcisions must be performed by someone other than the party involved. And on the third day, when the men were in more pain than even giving birth to an elephant while eating molten lead with chopsticks, Simeon and Levi killed all the males of the city, especially Shechem and Hamor. (Don't ask how you especially kill someone)...

...And Jacob and his family continued to journey homeward and Jacob stopped in Beth El and there did G-d speak to him, saying, "All that the angel said shall be true. Ye shall be called Israel and I shall protect you always, I am the Lord your G-d. Your descendants shall inherit this land Canaan, and shall call it Israel, except for the northernmost part, which shall some day be called Syria." And leaving Beth El, they journeyed to Bethlehem where Rachel died in labor. But her son, Benjamin, did not die, and he was the last of Jacob's 12 sons...

...Now of all his sons, Jacob loved Joseph the most. And Jacob made Joseph an amazing technicolor dreamcoat. And the brothers did become seethingly jealous. And Joseph did further damage his relationship with them, for lo, he had dreams at night, and he would tell them to his brothers. And Joseph dreamt that his brother's were 11 sheaves of corn, which bowed down to a bigger sheaf. And Joseph dreamt that the sun, the moon and 11 stars did bow down to him and these too were his family. And it did not take Freud and Jung to interpret the dreams, which was fortunate as they would not be born for thousands of years...

...And although the dreams represented truth, this did not deter his brothers from despising him and hiding his yo-yo and putting ants down his loincloth. And lo, their jealousy became greater and when they were out in the field, the brothers did throw Joseph in a pit, where he would languish until death. And Joseph did shout, "I've fallen and I can't get up!" but there was no-one to release him. But lo, there passed a wandering band of Ishmaelites, and the brothers retrieved him from the pit and sold Joseph to them to be their drummer, for they were not really a good band and did not realize that percussion was not Joseph's strong point. And the brothers did tear Joseph's coat asunder and did taint it with goat's blood, and did bring it unto Jacob saying, "Look what has become of our grumble mumble brother Joseph." And Jacob did reply, "Ugh," and did faint...

...And Judah did seg into a subplot and marry the daughter of Shua, a Canaanite. And Judah had 3 sons, Er, Um and Ahem. And Um and Ahem were nicknamed Onan and Shelah, for when Judah spoke to them, it was as if he were merely clearing his throat. And Er married Tamar, a woman. He died. And Judah said unto Um (Onan) "Go forth and marry Tamar for she should not be a widow nor should she be childless." And Onan said unto Judah, his father, "Grumble brumble," and did make plans for the wedding. But Onan refused to impregnate Tamar and G-d's anger was great against Onan and he did smite Onan unto death for it was not right to waste human seed. And Judah said unto Tamar, "Thou knowest what they say, third times the charm," and Tamar did consent to wait for Shelah to grow unto manhood and by and by, Judah's wife did die, and Shelah did grow into manhood. And Judah did not give him unto Tamar for a husband, fearing that she was a jinx. And G-d did come unto Tamar in a prophesy, saying, "The Messiah shall come from you and a member of the house of Judah" (Midrash). And Tamar did take matters into her own hands. And she did don stiletto heals and a leather skirt and much mascara and fishnets, and she did stand at a well-travelled fork in the road. And Judah did come upon the fork in the road and, not recognizing the woman as his daughter-in-law, did cohabit with Tamar. And Judah gave Tamar his seal, his chord, and his staff as collateral until he could return and pay her. And in 3 months time, the widow Tamar was found to be the size of a small Chevrolet, for she was indeed pregnant. And Judah said, "She is a depraved sinner, and should receive the most severe punishment; Let her watch old Howard Cossell footage until she is nigh unto death and then let her watch some more." And Tamar said, "The man who owns this seal cord and staff is the father." And Judah realized that he had impregnated his own daughter-in-law, absolved her, and tooketh the blame on himself...

...Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the Ishmaelites had taken Joseph unto Egypt and had traded him unto Potiphar. And Potiphar's wife did draw nigh unto Joseph, and did drop her hanky, saying, "Oh my, I have dropped my hanky. Whatever shall I do?" and did make goo goo eyes at Joseph. And Joseph's visage did commence to turn crimson and he did flee and Potiphar's wife was frustrated and embarrassed, and spread rumors that it was Joseph who was coming on to her. And Potiphar did throw Joseph in jail. And Joseph did meet the baker and the butler of the Pharoah both. And the butler did dream and did tell Joseph his dream, saying that he had seen himself giving of wine to Pharaoh. And Joseph predicted that he would - get this - wait on Pharaoh again. And the baker described a basket of bread perched on his head, being eaten by swooping birds. And Joseph suggested that he smoke one last cigarette and call a priest. And lo, Joseph's interpretations were correct, and as the butler was leaving for his return to palace, Joseph bade the butler make mention of his case unto Pharaoh. But lo, the butler didst forget Joseph entirely, sending not so much as a greeting card around the holidays...

...And Pharoah had two dreams and no one to interpret them. Suffice it to say that there were seven skinny cows eating seven fat cows - and staying skinny like unto the Slimfast diet plan, and seven decrepit ears of corn eating seven lovely ones and also staying



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