Heavenly Memo

Memo to HaShem
From Gabriel HaMalach

On behalf of the Senior Management Group (SMG) and all the angels in head office, I am pleased to be reporting once again on our Rosh Hashanah preparations as well as to provide you with our annual world reports as per the SMG's performance contract.

Let me assure you that all preparations have been completed as per your directions. The tshuvah committee in the Chosen People division have been working quite hard to make this our best Rosh Hashanah ever. Numerous improvements have been made since last year. All individual appointments with you have been scheduled, including both your human and heavenly subjects. Please do your best to keep to the schedule. To better assist you, all personal files have been opened, and 5759 forecasts have been drafted for all of your human subjects, although they may be revised at your discretion, should penitents achieve the appropriate tshuvah thresholds (see tshuvah manual, policy 0202-04). Two tanker trucks full of Din and Rachmonis are ready for your use as you see fit. The Book of Judgment's software has been upgraded and Avraham Avinu (#114) has been able to install considerable more RAM. We are ready to assist as you require, subject to the work breaks stipulated in our Collective Agreement. We have again hired Leviathan Caterers for your annual sponsored kiddush. Naturally, they are under your Kashrut supervision.

Turning to the state of the world: as you know (of course), things were extremely challenging and busy for us this past year. I wish to stress that as a bureaucracy, we were in no way, shape or form, responsible for the following items this past year: the collapse of the Russian ruble and banking system; world-wide stock market meltdowns; delays in the Middle East peace process; the Lewinsky/Clinton/Starr episode; the movie "Spiceworld"; the return of bell-bottoms and the Volkswagen Beetle; the entire Swiss Bank scandal; the Quebec secession debate; the falling Canadian dollar; the Asian economic failure; America OnLine; the Y2K Bug; Cuba; Iraq; North Korea; Bosnia; or Libya. These are, of course, the sole jurisdiction of Chaos

Incorporated, our offshore competitor. As for the functioning of your faithful bureaucracy, I am pleased to report that all divisions are functioning at full capacity. Briefly, your Chosen People division reports a record number of simchot and conversions, but regrets that intermarriage is also way up. A special task force has been struck to investigate.

The mitzvah department reports substantial growth in activity, while unfortunately, the Aveiros department also reports substantial growth. The Moshiach preparation department is extremely pleased to report that after considerable effort, Oreos went kosher this year. As in every other year, Operation Moshiach is ready, awaiting your approval and fiscal resourcing. Malach Resources division reports that a strike of the Angels' union was narrowly averted due to successful re-negotiation of the collective agreement.

As a result, angels (levels 1-3) will receive shorter work weeks and 10 more minutes in Olam Habah, plus three weeks vacation, not to be taken during yamim tovim. Of particular note is the early retirement of the Tooth Fairy. You will recall she filed for long term disability benefits due to wear and tear, which she attributes to the inflationary pressure of payments and the conversion of many currencies from paper to coins. We will be recruiting for her replacement shortly. The business and accounting division reports a balanced budget, yet again, through the introduction of initiation and building fund fees for our newest members. This was necessary to offset the Tooth Fairy claim and increased payments for children's teeth.

In closing, overall, it was a very busy and challenging year. We seek your forgiveness for our errors not due to lack of training or proper supervision, and look forward to the coming year in serving you with professionalism and ceaseless devotion. Amen. Selah.

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