How to Find Your Bashert
by Martin Bodek
Does dating have you in a bog?
Does dating have you in a quagmire?
Does dating have you in a swamp?
Does dating have you repeating sentences that mean the same thing?
Well then, practice my new Bashert-finding method and your
spirits will rise in no time! This fantastic new process is
called the Process of Elimination! Now then, let the process begin!:
There are 3,292,393,161,375,414,113 beings in this universe.
3,292,393,155,307,785,103 of those include G-d, angels,
creatures, cartoon characters, and imaginary friends. That leaves
6,067,692,010 available human earthlings you can date! See? We've
eliminated 99.9999998157% of the playing field already! Finding
your bashert should be a cinch!
Little known fact: Jews currently represent 1/5 of 1% of the
world's population. That leaves about 13,000,000 people you
can pick from. Now then, of the 13,000,000 Jews available,
I'm going to assume that 50% are not quite the gender you're
looking for, that leaves 6,500,000. Wow! It's narrowing
Plenty of Jews are currently dating, plenty of Jews are already
married, plenty others aren't dating yet. So we can eliminate
2/3rds of what's available. That leaves about 2,166,666 people.
Getting there, getting there.
There are several categories of Judaic practice, in no particular
order whatsoever, they are: Reform, Conservative, Orthodox,
Yeshivish, Litvish, Chasidish, Black Hatters, Kipa Srugarians,
and Young Israelites. That's 9 categories. There are more, but
I'm too lazy to list them all. Since no one should be dating
outside of their category - lest they suffer spite from community
gossips - we can eliminate 8/9ths of what's left. That leaves
4/5ths of what's left don't have the funds,
transportation, or desire to date anyone not from their continent.
Now we have 48,148 left over.
3/4ths of what's left are nowhere near your age. That leaves 12,037
2/3rds of those are too lazy to date anyone located more than 50
miles away. That leaves 4,012 people.
Half of those are waiting for
love to find them, they can wait. That leaves 2,006 people.
6 Jews are too uh, frugal to pay the ridiculous tolls.
Their loss. Of the 2,000 people left over, you
will never hear of nor will anyone ever mention 3/4ths of them
to you. 500 people are left over. Let's assume that 500 is the
maximum amount you'll ever get "ret" to you in your entire
lifetime. Of these 500, 50 will be too tall for you to ever
go out with, 50 will be too short for you to ever go out with,
50 you won't go out with because some friend of theirs told
them not to go out with you, 50 you won't go out with because
some friend of YOURS told you not to go out with them, 40 are
too Reform/Conservative/Orthodox/Yeshivish/Litvish/Chasidish/Black-Hatty/Kipa-Srugy/Young Israelitey,
40 aren't Reform/Conservative/Orthodox/Yeshivish/Litvish/Chasidish/Black Hatty/Kipa-Srugy/Young Israelitey
ENOUGH, and 10 simply giveyour mother a "bad vibe."
Now let's assume that 200 people is the maximum that a person
will ever date. Of these 200, 9/10ths will reject you, and you'll
never know why, 1/10th will dump you with a pretty good reason.
100 left, we're almost there.
Let's assume that with what's left over, YOU get to decide what
to do. 10 are too dumb, 10 are too smart, 10 have an attitude,
10 you have hashkafa problems with, 10 you're not attracted to,
10 you have nothing in common with, 10 are too self-centered,
10 are selfish, 10 did weird stuff on your date that you didn't
Only 10 left! Of the remaining 10, 5 you share no chemistry with,
1 is a fruitcake, 1 is nutty, 1 scares you for no particular
reason, 1 should be locked up, and 1 belongs in Bellevue.
That leaves your bashert, your soulmate, your lifepartner.
He/she's just around the corner! Go get him/her!