Things That Would Be Different If
Israel Bought Microsoft
- The next version of Windows would be named Windows 99; Eh,
maybe 2000; Would you settle for Windows 2001?
- Every mouse would need to be stamped with the Kosher symbol.
- All monitors running Windows would have long curly side-burns.
- The Microsoft web site would be backlogged from people trying to
download the "Golda Meir Centerfold" theme pack.
- Woody Allen would be made Vice President of the "Children's Software"
- Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, your PC
would get "Verklemmt".
- No changes in the legal department.
- No charges in the medical department
- Hannukah screen savers with "Flying Draydles".
- Your PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
- Jerry Seinfeld-CEO
- The phone support department would now feel very guilty about
leaving you "on hold" for 20 minutes.
- Internet Explorer would still "browse" the internet, but would be
able to negotiate faster bandwidth.
- CD-ROM's would be rendered obsolete with the invention of
high compression DVB's (digital video bagels).
- Your [Start] button would be replaced with a [Let's go, I'm not
getting any younger] button.
- "Abort, Retry, Ignore" would be replaced with "Stop it already -
you're killing me, You want I should try it again, I didn't hear
- Your multimedia player would be renamed to "Nu, so play my music
- During passover, your PC would not be able to read "leavened
- Bill Gates official theme song would be "If I were a Rich Man".
- "Microsoft Word" would be renamed to "Microsoft Kibbitz".
- Microsoft Office would include "A little bit of this, and a little
bit of that".
- When running "scandisk", you will be prompted with a "You vant I
should fix this?" message.
- Error messages would become a lot funnier.
- When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a
- "Third Party Drivers" would now be referred to as "Gentile Drivers".
- "Monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz would be included in
with all video games. This would get rid of the "schmootz" on
- After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go "Schloofy" ("to
sleep", for all you non-Yiddish speaking people).
- Your spell checker will now accept "Shiksa" as word.
- "Windows 98 Plus" to be renamed "Windows with the Whole Schmeer".
- Computer viruses would now be cured with chicken soup.
- Solitaire would be replaced with online "Bingo".
- Having Dr. Watson will make your "motherboard" proud.
- Internet Explorer would now have a spinning "Star of David" in the
upper right corner.
- After your computer dies, you would need to wait 3 days before
desposing of it.
- The "Microsoft Network" would be renamed to "Mahshuguna Net" or
"The Knish Knetwork".
- Browser "cookies" would become "macaroons".
- Microsoft wouldn't become any better at programming "sports" games,
but they would be able to handicap the games better.
- There would always be a "synagogue" icon near the "network
- 56,000 bps matzahs.
- Dr. Watson would become a certified Rabbi.
- You would hear the tune "Hava Nagila" during startup.
- Java scripts with some real Schmaltz.
- Windows certified "100% pork free".
- "Year 2000" issues are replaced by "Year 5760-5761" issues.
- 2 words: Virtual Spielberg
- Programs that "Hava na 'run' na 'run'".
- Headquarters moved from Seattle to Jerusalem. (Overpriced coffee is
replaced by "kugel" as the company snack.)
- The Vatican counters with a hostile takeover of Netscape.
- New beta versions of Windows dubbed "Brooklyn", "Miami", and