Jewish Light Bulb Jokes
Q: How many Hasidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What is a light bulb?
A: One, but it must have The Rebbe's supervision.
A: None. Only goyim do such things.
A: We don't wan't that. We wan't Moshiach's light.
Q: How many Orthodox Jews does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Change?
A: One to do it and two [minimum] to testify that it was properly changed.
A: We are not going to change anything unless the Halacha [jewish law] approves it.
Q: How many Conservative Jews does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, call a committee meeting.
Q: How many Reform Jews does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, anyone can change it whenever they want to.
A: We don't wan't to change it! We just wan't to improve it.
Q: How many Reform Jews does it take to change a lighbulb?
A: We don't wan't to change it! We just wan't to improve it.
Q: How many Reconstructionist Rabbis does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: Four. One to wish they were doing what the Orthodox rabbi does, one
to wish they were doing what the Reform rabbi does, one to wish
they were doing what the Renewal rabbi does, and one eventually
to change the bulb.
Q: How many Reconstructionist jews does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to formulate a blessing to change the bulb and the other to change
the bulb
Q. How many Lubabavitchers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, it never died.
Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as
the first one.
Q: How many congregants does it take to change a light bulb
in a synagogue?
A: CHANGE? You vant we should CHANGE the light bulb? My
grandmother donated that light bulb!!!
Q: How many Lubavitchers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Rambam teaches that he who does not know from outside the book,
may not know at all. And since we mostly just study in
Yeshiva, we may not know how exactly to change a lightbulb.
Then again, we may, as it is surely written in the Bible.
Surely then, if we spend a week studying the problem, we will
find the answer. Or, Shabbes will come, and the Shabbes Goy
will change it for us. Problem solved.
Q: How many rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Has not yet been determined. They are still searching for a
Talmudic reference to light bulb.
Q: How many Jewish Renewal rabbis does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: It depends. One if it's an eco-kosher bulb that isn't going to
be lit by electricity from nuclear power. Two, as long as a
man and a woman rabbi have equal turns putting in the bulb.
Three, one to change it, one to do a Buddhist mindfulness
practice during the change, and one to document the paradigm
shift in a best-selling book called "The Jew in the Light
Bulb." Four, same as above plus an additional rabbi to study
the psycho-halachic implications of such a change and then
lead a retreat weekend on the experience.
Q:How many Shlomo hassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Gehvalt, it's mamash such a great opportunity to do t'shuvah. So
it takes everyone there to get real close, sing a niggun,
listen to an Ishbitzer teaching, tell a Levi Yitzchak story,
and change the bulb at 2 in the morning.
Q: How many Jews does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 30. One to change the bulb & 29 to discuss it and give
contradictory advice to the person changing the bulb.
Q: How many Messianic "jews" does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They will borrow their neighbor's old bulb, rename it
"yeshuvalit" and try to convince everyone else that it's really a
new bulb.
Q: How many cantors does it take to change a lighbulb?
A: One. But the congregation will not like the change.
A: One, but you cannot change it unless it is according to the synagogue's minhag.
A: Don't feel bad, but I feel it's time to change it.
Q: How many religious jews does it take to change a lighbulb?
A: Maybe none, because Moshiach [the Messiah] may arrive before we change it
and then we will not need to change it.
Q: How many secular jews does it take to change a lighbulb?
A: My grandmother, who lived in a Shtetl changed lightbulbs.
Today, we call electricians to do it.
Q: How many judaica sellers does it take to change a lighbulb?
A: One, but it must be one of our new "Judaic Lightbulbs".