Sue G-d

by Jonathan P. Bernick

My column today is about a miscarriage of justice to rival the Academy Awards' continued snubbing of Pamela Anderson for a "Best Special Effects" Oscar. It pains me to report that we still live in a country where a lawsuit can be dismissed just because it names as defendants Ronald Reagan, George Bush, and God.

As reported in an Associated Press article on CNN's webpage, the lawsuit in question was filed by one Donald S. Drusky, who was seeking compensation for his 1968 firing from U.S. Steel. The suit, quoted in the article, lists as Mr. Drusky's grounds for action against God that "Defendant God is the sovereign ruler of the universe and took no corrective action against the leaders of his Church and his Nation for their extremely serious wrongs, which ruined the life of Donald S. Drusky." The lawsuit goes on to also name as defendants "former presidents Ronald Reagan and George Bush, the television networks, all 50 states, every single American, all federal judges, and the 100th through 105th congresses[.]" (It is left unexplained why Mr. Drusky failed to name additional agents of misery and suffering, such as Sam Donaldson's toupee.)

Had Mr. Drusky won, his suit demanded compensation from God including the restoration of his youth and the resurrection of his pet pigeon. In any case, the point turned out to be moot; U.S. District Judge Norman Mordue dismissed Mr. Drusky's lawsuit as frivolous. (The article does not specify that Judge Mordue then gave Mr. Drusky several sharp whacks on the head with his gavel, but I believe in my heart of hearts that this is what happened.)

When I first heard about this lawsuit, my initial reaction was to make sure that it hadn't been filed in the court system of some foreign nation, such as the planet Neptune. Upon finding out that this was not the case, it occurred to me that suing God might be the greatest legal innovation since rhyming defense summations. I have a few grumbles about my life, none of which could possibly be my fault or responsibility. As a former resident of New Mexico (home of the $3,000,000 spilled cup of coffee) I know that someone must be responsible for these conditions, and who could be more responsible than God? Accordingly, rather than attempt to solve these problems on my own, or dismiss them as superficial blemishes on an excellent life, I shall forthwith file lawsuits against God on the following complaints:

Unfortunately for my litigious plans, though, I can't file any of these suits unless Mr. Drusky's case is reinstated. I hope that Neptune has a speedy appellate process.

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