Holiday Survival Tips
- Practice reciting the "Ktiva V'chatima Tova..." greeting by
listening to trained livestock auctioneers. This year it won't be you
holding up the crowd.
- Don't bend quite so far over the railing during tashlich - unless
you've finally learned to swim.
- Starting the new year right takes planning. Map out where the shofar
will be blown early - before it's too late to run.
- When you realize you have no clue whether it's time to stand or time to
sit, find the nearest guy in a hat and do whatever he does. He may not
know any more than you do, but at least you'll never be the only one
- Remember: the rebbe of Newark, N.J. used to confuse the Evil
Inclination by giving in without a struggle.
- If the congregation is suddenly bowing on its hands and knees and
you're the only one left standing, don't hesitate - fake a limp!
- If you find yourself in an Orthodox synagogue, on the wrong side of the
mechitza separating the women and the men, NEVER try to "belong" by
singing the aria from Madam Butterfly.
- You have no idea how it happened, but you find yourself all alone,
enclosed in a dark and musty space, surrounded by Torah scrolls. Don't
move, don't make a sound - there are many weak hearts in the audience!
- It's the middle of the Yom Kippur prayers. Suddenly, the voice of God
addresses you. No matter what He says, stay away from that assault rifle!
- If you must break the fast, click here for on-line Food and other great
- If you find it difficult to atone for a grave sin you committed during
the past year, atone instead for two lesser sins and a misdemeanor.
- Succot is a great opportunity to have large meals with your entire
family inside a cramped lean-to on your lawn. Now might be the time to
keep that assault rifle closer by.
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