Holiday Survival Tips

by Jewish Communication Network

  1. Practice reciting the "Ktiva V'chatima Tova..." greeting by listening to trained livestock auctioneers. This year it won't be you holding up the crowd.

  2. Don't bend quite so far over the railing during tashlich - unless you've finally learned to swim.

  3. Starting the new year right takes planning. Map out where the shofar will be blown early - before it's too late to run.

  4. When you realize you have no clue whether it's time to stand or time to sit, find the nearest guy in a hat and do whatever he does. He may not know any more than you do, but at least you'll never be the only one feeling foolish.

  5. Remember: the rebbe of Newark, N.J. used to confuse the Evil Inclination by giving in without a struggle.

  6. If the congregation is suddenly bowing on its hands and knees and you're the only one left standing, don't hesitate - fake a limp!

  7. If you find yourself in an Orthodox synagogue, on the wrong side of the mechitza separating the women and the men, NEVER try to "belong" by singing the aria from Madam Butterfly.

  8. You have no idea how it happened, but you find yourself all alone, enclosed in a dark and musty space, surrounded by Torah scrolls. Don't move, don't make a sound - there are many weak hearts in the audience!

  9. It's the middle of the Yom Kippur prayers. Suddenly, the voice of God addresses you. No matter what He says, stay away from that assault rifle!

  10. If you must break the fast, click here for on-line Food and other great shopping ideas.

  11. If you find it difficult to atone for a grave sin you committed during the past year, atone instead for two lesser sins and a misdemeanor.

  12. Succot is a great opportunity to have large meals with your entire family inside a cramped lean-to on your lawn. Now might be the time to keep that assault rifle closer by.

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