Messiah Delay Expected - Y2K problem cited
Disappointing news out of Jerusalem today - delay predicted in the coming of
the Messiah. A spokesman for G-d blamed software problems arising from Y2K
bug as the source of the delay.
Recently, Heaven has been preparing for a launch of the Messianic Era. In a
bit of bad luck, the selected time, Tishrei 5761, is also 2000 CE, and
subject to the infamous Y2K problem. "We just didn't realize how pervasive
this problem was" G-d said yesterday. "We thought Y2K was just a Gematriah
thing. Who knew?"
The Y2K bug brought down three of Heaven's main servers and G-d's personal
laptop during a full-up dress rehearsal simulation of the anticipated
Messianic times. Heaven's spokesman would not discuss the servers for
security reasons, but did mention that G-d uses an IBM ThinkPad, running
Microsoft WorldPerfect 7 under Windows NT. Requests for comment from
Microsoft went unanswered. "These computers are really a mixed blessing,"
God said. "I don't like to say it, but you know, 'Darned if you do, darned
if you don't.'"
Heaven is waiting for a software patch from Microsoft to resolve the
problem. The spokesman for Heaven said Microsoft would not promise a date
for the fix. "I can tell you for a fact that Bill Gates is not the
Messiah," G-d commented. "But as of now, he's the only one who can bring
For more continuing coverage of the issue, check out the website:
About the Software, WorldPerfect 7: Many people are surprised to hear Heaven
falling prey to the Y2K problem, but far more of them are surprised to hear
that computers are even relevant "upstairs." Years ago Heaven converted from
standard paper-based systems to computers. The following are excepts from a
recent interview with G-d on this topic: "We had our first machine years
ago. The hardware was big and the programs slow, but we could see that World
Processing was the way to go."In the olden days, you only had to track 613
mitzvot per Jew. No big deal. Now with all those Rabbinical decrees,
minhagim, chumrahs,etc., you really need the computer. "Our first piece of
software was the spreadsheet, MitzvaCalc - you know, for the Das operating
system. But now of course we're much more sophisticated. We use the fully
integrated world processor,WorldPerfect 7.
"Before computers, Rosh Hashanah to Yom Kippur was a nightmare around here -
so much to keep track of. Between all the Teshuvah,Tefillah and Tzedakah,
the "I'm sorry for this and that", it was impossible to keep up. It would
take us till Hoshana Rabbah just to count up all the points and close the
books. Nowadays it all happens in real time. By Motzei Yom Kippur we have a
printout in hand how many live, how many die, who by fire, who by water,
etc. Not a bad system...."