A "Must" Jewish Glossary

AFIKOMMENTS n. Adult arguing that occurs as children search for hidden Passover matzo.

ASHKESHNOZZIM n. A nose the shape of Florida and the size of medium potato.

BAGELA n. A gay Jewish baker.

BIALY ACHE n. The result of lunch at your mother's and dinner at your mother-in law's.

BLINTZKRIEG n. A late-night assault on the refrigerator in search of leftovers even though "I won't be able to eat for a week!". Particularly common 4-6 hours after special occasion gluttony.

BRIS AND TELL n. A detailed description given by parents of their child's circumcision, generally spoken quite loud in front of the grown child and those people he would least like to hear the story.

BUBBEGUM n. Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.

CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife at 4 am so she can change the baby's diaper.

DEJA NU n. Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face but not knowing exactly when.

DISCAHKENTUDE n. Looking like one isn't involved while one's dog goes to the bathroom on a neighbor's lawn.

DISKVELLIFIED vb. To drop out of law school, med school or business school, as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents, and Uncle Sid. (In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv's son, David is majoring in biology, is sufficient grounds for diskvellification)

DISORIYENTA n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.

FLEISHADICK n. A Jewish flasher.

FEELAWFUL n. Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.

GOYFER n. A gentile messenger.

HEBORT vb. To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one's Bar Mitzvah.

HEBRUTE n. Israeli aftershave.

HINDSTEIN n. A Semitic smart-ass.

IMPASTA n. Someone who eats leavened foods during Passover while maintaining he/she is observant.

ISROYALTY n. Major contributors to the UJA, the JUF, or the IEF.

JEWBILATION n. Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish.

JEWDO n. A traditional form of self defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.

KINDERSCHLEP vb. To be called on to carpool more children than one has fingers, in a car that was made in Japan.

MAMATZAH BALLS n. Matzo balls that are as good as mother used to make.

MATZILATION n. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.

MEINSTEIN slang. "My son, the genius."

MINYASTICS n. Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a minyan.

MISHPOCHAMARKS n. The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collars after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.

RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo as you.

ROSH HASHANANA n. A rock 'n roll band from Brooklyn.

SANTASHMANTA n. The explanation Jewish children get for when they celebrate Hannukah while the rest of humanity celebrates Christmas.

SCHLERM n. The wrinkled end of a Hebrew National salami.

SCHMUCKLUCK n. Finding out one's wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.

SHIKSABOB n. A special meal that Muffy O'Brien prepares for Morris Greenblatt.

SHOFARSOGUT n. The relief you feel when after many attempts the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.

"The PRINCESS" n. "Daddy will buy it for me" principle.

TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from the Torah at one's Bar or Bat mitzvah.

TRAYFFIC ACCIDENT n. An appetizer one finds out has pork in it after one has eaten it.

YENTILITY n. A deceptively sweet manner used to extract information. Key phrases include, "trust me", "your secret is safe with me" and "if you can't tell me, who can you tell?"

YIDENTIFY vb. To be able to determine ethnic origins of celebrities even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis, or Taylor.

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