Palestinians Kidnap Martha Stewart

by C.M. De Recksieck

Jerusalem, Israel -- In a shocking move, West Bank Palestinians have kidnapped do-it-yourself maven Martha Stewart late Monday evening. It is unknown exactly who is responsible for the disappearance of the model turned stock broker turned caterer turned craft guru.

Last year's tentative agreement between Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and Palestinian Authority Leader Yassir Arafat has been shaky, at best, during the past few months. More militant Palestinians have been contending that the Middle East has been losing international attention and that something drastic needed to be done to achieve Israeli troop withdrawals in the West Bank. Opportunity knocked for these opportunists when Ms. Stewart (divorced for five years) was on a tour of Jerusalem about to film her planned ABC-TV special, "Ways To Dress Up The Wailing Wall."

Eyewitnesses say that Stewart was abducted by three young men in a public marketplace where she was carving a kiwi into a bust of Anwar Sadat. The unidentified men then quickly shoved her and her longtime aide-de-camp Larry into a van, denying her strident requests to be allowed to change into her "good walking shoes." Stewart did have armed security agents with her, but 20 minutes prior to the incident she had dispatched them to round up discarded rounds of ammunition which she planned to use to make into decorative shade pulls..

It is believed that the 48-year-old doily maker and her lawn care specialist Larry are in good health, though reports are sketchy. She was allowed by her captors to make a brief statement earlier today, where she said she was being fed, "and it's a good thing, although some carrot sticks would have balanced out the undercooked gruel." She also reassured her cadre of assistants back home, "Please don't worry, but for the love of G-d, plant the bulbs soon or they won't flower at all this year."

No Palestinian groups would take responsibility for the abduction. Palestine Authority and longtime PLO leader Yassir Arafat not only denied all responsibility for the disappearance of the craft Svengali, but lamented the fact that their planned "summit" would not take place. Apparently as a gesture of international goodwill, Stewart was scheduled to help Arafat convert an old barracks into a sewing room and prepare "fun sausage balls" for Arafat's advisors.

Speculative reports have come out of the compound where Stewart and assistant Larry are being held saying that Stewart remains in good spirits, making a decorative wreath of rocks and pebbles and made a centerpiece of the Masada monument out of discarded chicken bones.

Her disappearance has been major international news. The New York Post ran a huge banner headline which read, "Martha Stewart -- Living?"

So far, the kidnapping has not created the international outrage that her captors were hoping for. In fact, Ms. Stewart's multi-media empire seems to be intact. Her disappearance will not affect the publication of her magazine, the publication of her syndicated column or her Today Show appearances.

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