Police Report

In other news, Harris Kass, knocked unconscious an intruder who had wandered into Kass's unlocked home. Kass told police that he came downstairs on Sunday morning, the day after the second seder of the Passover holiday, to find a scraggly old man wearing only some sort of cloak, drinking the glass of wine left out with the seder plate. Police were able to identify the man by the imprint on his underwear, but only by the first name, "Elijah." Authorities hoped to learn more when he regained consciousness, but the man ascended to the sky in a fiery ball, believed to be some sort of digestive-disorder caused by his having ingested the overly-sweet Manichevitz wine.

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