The Extremely Reform Passover Haggadah

from How to Be an Extremely Reform Jew

. . . The Extremely Reform Story of Exodus. Here the leader of the Seder and the guests take turns reading aloud the biblical account of the miraculous rescue.

In the beginning our ancestors prayed to many gods. As it is written: "In days of old, our forefathers lived beyond the river and worshipped idols. And to walk humbly with thy god involved lugging around a heavy statue. Now we worship the Eternal, because of His covenant with our father Abraham. For the Holy One said unto Abraham: 'You will worship me and only me. In exchange, thy children will be strangers in a land not their own. They will be enslaved there and be afflicted for four hundred years. And by the way, you are all going to have to be circumcised. Any questions?'"

Raise the cup of wine.

And this covenant has sustained us, for more than once they have risen up against us and tried to destroy us, in every generation they try to destroy us, but the Holy One, blessed be He, always delivers us, though not right away, as it is written: "Please allow 6-8 weeks for delivery."

Put down the cup.

A wandering Aramean was my father. It made for a difficult childhood. But enough about my problems. For it came to pass that Jacob and his sons went down to Egypt, as it is written: "And Jacob said to Pharaoh, to sojourn in the land we have come, for there is no pasture for our flocks, since the famine is sore upon the face of Canaan." And Pharaoh said, "I had sores like that once. You should spend less time in the sun."

And the children of Israel were fruitful and increased abundantly and waxed mighty, as it is written: "And the children of Israel mightily increased the abundance of waxed fruit."

And the Egyptians did evil unto us, as it is written: "And Pharaoh said unto his taskmasters, 'The children of Israel are waxing too much fruit. Let us do evil unto them.'"

And we cried unto the Eternal, the G-d of our fathers, and the Eternal heard our voice, and He saw our affliction, and our toil, and our oppression. And He said unto us, "If thou thinkest this is bad, wait till thou seeest what happens to Job."

But G-d remembered His covenant with Abraham, with Isaac and with Jacob and he said unto His people: "A covenant is a covenant. I will rescue you and bring you to the land of milk and honey, which is not as sticky as it sounds."

And the Eternal brought us forth from Egypt, not by the hand of an angel, not by the hand of a seraph, not by the hand of a messenger, not by the hand of Alan Dershowitz, but by Himself, in His glory and in His Self, as it is written: "And I will pass through the land of Egypt on that night, and I will smite all the first-born in the land of Egypt, both man and beast, and against all the gods of Egypt I will execute judgment. It is I the Eternal and not an angel, I and not a seraph, I and not a messenger, I and not Alan Dershowitz."

And the children of Israel girded up their loins and wrapped sackcloth around them, for no particular reason. And then the children of Israel took coconuts and almonds and chocolates and egg whites before they had leavened and bound them up in their clothing. And they made macaroons of the coconuts and almonds and chocolates and egg whites which they had brought forth from Egypt, as it is written: "Bake for 20 minutes or until brown; let stand; serve when cool." For they were thrust out of Egypt and could not tarry, neither had they prepared for themselves any toll house cookies.

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