Top Ten Reason For Not Attending Services on Shabbat

  1. I heard this Torah reading last year

  2. I was deeply offended by the Rabbi's racist comments about the Amalekite people

  3. I live in North Brunei

  4. "I am embarrassed by my name when called up to the Torah" - Heard from Boutros Boutros Ghalli

  5. My last hagbahah (lifting of the Torah) was disqualified by the Rabbi after my blood test came back with traces of anabolic steroids

  6. Nobody sang with me at Kiddush when I started a round of "Ten Thousand Bottles of Kedem Sitting on the Western Wall"

  7. The Rabbi is my father-in-law

  8. The Rebbitzin is my mother-in-law

  9. My stock broker is now attending services in a Federal Penitentiary

  10. I am a Gentile (Jewishly challenged - to be politically correct)

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